The Lover After Me
by Hiruma
Summary: A prequel to my untitled ficcie, but can stand alone. Involves yaoi and suicidal themes.


The nifty reminded that Hiruma does not own the Troopers, nor does she own Savage Garden. No matter how much she wants both of them.  
  
The Lover After Me  
  
  
  
//Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today  
  
It's been seven months and counting  
  
You've moved on  
  
I still feel exactly the same//  
  
I'm not going to think about you, I'm not going to think about you, I'm not going to think about you.  
  
I can tell say whatever I want to myself, it won't work, it never does. You haunt my every thought, I can't get you out of my mind, you've always had that affect on me, but it's been worse ever since you left me. How long has it been is it now? Seven months, thirteen days and thirty minutes, no, thirty-one minutes.  
  
The thought of you reminds me how terribly lonely I am, how terribly empty my life is now. It reminds me that I wake up alone in the morning, that there's no one to greet me when I get home, that my future looks bleak, that my heart is damaged beyond repair. It reminds me that you've already gone on with your life, you have someone you love more than you've ever loved me.  
  
And I feel the same since the day you told me that you didn't have feelings for me anymore and you weren't convinced that I loved you at all. I can still feel the pain when I saw you with HIM. I bet you don't know that I saw you and him together that day. I know you cheated on me and that you declared your love to him, something you've never said to me in words.  
  
//It's just the that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name  
  
Like photographs and memories of love  
  
Steel and granite reminders  
  
The city calls your name and I can't move on//  
  
Everything has been stirring up memories of my half a year as your boyfriend. I remember the restaurant you loved to go to and I'd always take you to it for sushi and tea. I often end up driving past the park that we used to go for star gazing and snuggling. Even the mall makes me think of you, of how many times you dragged me there to buy nice clothing for going out. The movie theater we used to go to is near where I live now, I remember having to beg you to come a long with me sometimes, and even though you hate horror movies, you always came.  
  
I was so happy then, happier than I've ever been in my entire life. And the memory of that happiness and that I lost it is everywhere I look. It makes me think that you weren't happy, that I never could make you happy like he can. I can't go on, I can't go on like this anymore.  
  
//Ever since you've been gone  
  
The lights go out the same  
  
The only difference is  
  
You call another name  
  
To your love  
  
To your lover now  
  
To your love  
  
The lover after me//  
  
I can imagine your life now. The same as it had been with me, except the love there isn't one sided. I can see you and him together in bed, in his bedroom. You pressed up against those dark red sheets, clutching onto him as he makes love to you. Your eyes filled with passion and lust as you look up at him. You calling out his name in ecstasy, in the way you had never called mine while we made love.  
  
//Am I all alone in the universe?  
  
There's no love on these streets  
  
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway//  
  
I feel like I'm alone here, that there's nothing here for me. No love, no compassion, nothing. I've tried to find someone new, just a friend would be nice. Someone I could talk to, a shoulder that I can cry on, someone who would love me like a brother, maybe even more. I know I have the others, they're my friends, but they're also yours and I know you probably don't want me around anymore.  
  
All my life I've searched for love, for the tenderness that I thought that you could give me. I guess I was wrong. I've given you all of my love, all of my heart and my soul, but it wasn't what you wanted. The world doesn't want nor need my love, it's worthless.  
  
//So this is my new freedom  
  
It's funny  
  
I don't remember being chained  
  
But nothing seems to make sense anymore//  
  
When I was still living at the mansion with everyone else, I remember Shu trying to cheer me up. He had patted my back and told me that at least I was free from having been chained down to someone. Is this supposed to be freedom? It didn't feel like I was chained to you, my soul felt as though it were ten times lighter. I felt like I could do anything as long as you were by my side.  
  
Now I'm weighed down by grief, the days drag on and I wonder why I even keep on going like this. And this is supposed to my freedom? To be alone, unloved, unwanted like a piece of trash. This is my freedom?  
  
This world no longer makes sense to me anymore.  
  
//Without you I'm always twenty minutes late//  
  
I find without you in my life I've been scrambling just to get to work in the morning. When we were together you always made sure that I was early for work, now I'm always late. They would've fired me by now, but my boss says that I'm the best employee they've ever had. There's almost no will to get myself out of bed, so I end up sleeping in, then I realize that I have a job to go to, that I have meaningless things to do during the day. If I didn't have anything to do, I'd probably just waste away into nothing. It's too tempting just to give in like that.  
  
//Ever since you've been gone  
  
The lights go out the same  
  
The only difference is  
  
You call another name  
  
To your love  
  
To your lover now  
  
To your love  
  
The lover after me//  
  
Whenever I close my eyes I always see you with him. Walking down the same trails we did, holding hands, whispering softly to each other. Like all the times we had spent together, except you're whispering his name. He's your lover now, your true love. I never was, I was just the fill in.  
  
//And time goes by so slowly  
  
The nights are cold and lonely  
  
I shouldn't be holding on  
  
But I'm still holding on for you//  
  
Every hour feels like another month since last I saw your beautiful face, since we last spoke, since I last touched your lips with my own. Time goes by too slowly these days, as if it's mocking me, trying to stretch out the time that I'm alone. The time that I'm reminded most of your absence is at night, when I curl up in my bed. I try to find warmth in the blankets and sheets that I've piled on, but I'm always cold and lonely, aching for your touch, your love, for something that I never truly had. I ponder over how I still hold onto you, the memory of us together, hoping that maybe one day you'll want me back.  
  
This is when time is the slowest, when I think of you.  
  
//Here I go again  
  
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today  
  
But I'm standing at your doorway  
  
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on//  
  
I can't count how many times I've driven by the mansion at night. There's a part of me that wants to go up to the door, throw myself at your feet and beg to be a part of your life again. My soul screams out your name, but I can't bring myself to do what it asks of me. I'm not strong enough.  
  
I'm so sorry, I can't move on, Seiji. I can't live like this anymore. My purpose in this world ended after we stopped wearing our armors and stopped saving the world. I hope you'll understand why I have to do this. I can't keep holding onto you like this, but I can't move on with my life. My life ended seven months ago, I'm just killing a shell of a man now.  
  
//Ever since you've been gone  
  
The lights go out the same  
  
The only difference is  
  
You call another name  
  
To your love  
  
To your lover now  
  
To your love//  
  
Leaning against the railing of the balcony, Seiji gazed up at the stars in the night sky. A familiar pain of guilt and regret in his heart rose up, but he squashed it quickly. He would not think of it, that was the past and it would remain in the past. He had gone on with his life, he had Ryo now and he loved the bearer of Rekka with all of his heart. But that longing in him wouldn't leave him, it haunted him ever since HE left.  
  
"Seiji? It's late, aren't you coming to bed?" Ryo peeked his head out the French doors leading out onto the balcony. His tiger blue eyes looked over the blond man, a light smile playing on his lips.  
  
"Yeah, just give me a sec, okay?" Ryo nodded and closed the door behind him, going back into their room.  
  
Tears filled Seiji's eyes and a soft whisper escaped his lips.  
  
"I'm sorry, Touma."  
  
//The lover after me//  
  
================================================================  
  
So what do you think? Hiruma listening to too much Savage Garden? Hiruma should get her ass back to work? Hiruma should go shoot herself? Hiruma should go jump off a cliff? MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!!  
  
I know I should be working on other ficcies, but I've been kind of depressed and so I decided to write this songficcie. It does tie in with my Untitled fic though!!! Consider it a prequel about how Touma got those scars on his wrists. Or it can stand alone, if you ignore how similar the plot is to my Untitled ficcie. 


End file.
